domitae naturae

Sleepless in New Orleans on New Years

2005-01-01T11:13:00.000-08:00

I have no idea how you meet someone in this town with similar interest as you, believe me I have been trying… My goal of meeting someone on New Years was a fucking bust, not a single person, you know—someone I have never meet before, even approached me to say hello or to strike up a conversation. I just wanted to meet a couple of new people and perhaps connect with someone after ward if we had something in common. At times I wonder what the hell I am doing wrong or if I am just fugly...

Oh well.

Kitten Play or Cos-Play

2004-12-31T13:59:00.000-08:00

Just a quick image of my Halloween outfit and Cos-Play as a cat. Of course
my Mistress thinks I need proper training as a cat... meow Just a bit of
COS PLAY..

2005.. Yep it is here.. right?

2004-12-31T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well a New Year is coming on strong and 2004 could not have been better.
Worries for this year?

Yep, I have to find a new place to live soon since my building is going condo.
Since we are spending soooo much cash fighting terrorist it looks like our Defense Department Program of building warships might get a cut in its’ budget. This could affect people’s jobs… Funny how republicans voted for Bush and now these same republicans just might get the boot because Bush can’t get the rest of the world to help foot the bill for the “WAR”
Still loosing weight, not easy but doing it. I have also joined a gym and I have started strength training. Biggest worry here is that it will increase my appetite and I will over eat…

Got a killer Kinky outfit for the New Years Party, looking forward to that! Hehe

Lazy as I

2004-12-27T14:32:00.000-08:00

Monday, December 27, 2004

Lazy days have I aspired to for this holiday... Last night was an excellent evening when it comes to a bit of bondage, pain and pleasure. My Mistress practicing her skill with ropes; I soon found myself restrained and incapable of moving and resisting her machinations for my body. Though she tried to punish me for my lack of protocol, I was in an exceptional mood for pain and her punishing blows only brought me more pleasure, given--- they did hurt but I was just in the mindset for them, so I was more amused by them than naught.

I would post more, but as I stated earlier, I have succeeded in my goal in being lazy and worthless today…

Time away from it all...

2004-12-26T05:52:00.000-08:00

Some serious fun happened the other night at a couple’s house. I did not really expect much to occur except the usual drinking and socializing. What happened has given me new respect for twine rope, simple wooden boards used as paddles, riding crops and well a good slap on the ass...

As of late, I have been a rather bratty submissive bordering on the edge of rebellion at times. I have been having this very strong urge to force my mistress to bone up and tough up on me.

So I was being very bratty at my friend’s house trying to get my Mistress to be a bit evil and such. Thankfully, MistressOne began suggesting evil things to do to me to make me behave. Like using ice cubes, a good beating, using twine rope for a bit of CBT or even using a board for a paddle. But my Mistress just wasn't getting the hint that I wanted to play so I decided to bite the hell out of her and that sparked her inner demo to wakeup...

The twine around the balls and penis was a very unique experience especially when my Mistress played with me and I became hard. Wow, that shit cuts into you and makes the pleasure of an erection very painful. My Mistress would pull, twist, tug, bend and even press against me sending waves of pain through my body followed by quick pulses of pleasure which then caused yet more pain… Sigh… Mounting me she acted like she was riding me which only caused me to become even more engorged and swollen. It was very painful and I love to see my Mistress get off on my pain, it truly is a lovely sight. When she unwrapped my balls from the twine, it was a tremendous relief, but as each coil of the cord was removed it felt like someone was slicing through my skin with a sharp knife. The pain was exquisite, but did not stop there for she had not unwrapped my penis as of yet. No, she slowly teased me with this and then with one tug of the cord she unsheathed my penis which rocked my body with pain, but she quickly wrapped her hand around it and squeezed causing me to beg for a bit of mercy, mind you not all that much please... ;)

A bit later I found myself bent over and my Mistress was forcing ice cubes into me. While this was cold, it was not until both MistressOne and my Mistress began to punish me further for my impertinence that I realized the ice had gotten my ass and legs wet causing the paddles to sting even more. I kept standing up straight when I had reached a threshold of pain and needed a breather. Thankfully, they would push me down again and continue beating the hell out of me. The next morning I had some very nice marks left on my legs from MistressOne's riding crop... Very nice, Very nice...

With it being so fucking cold right now, I would love to find a place to do a bit of out door play…

Later

Needles and Pin-Wheels

2004-07-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

Journal Entry: Needles and Pin-Wheels
Date: June 23, 2004
Play with Mistress

My Mistress loves innuendo and how it makes me titter on edge of anticipation and quivering fear of her imagination. Do not misunderstand me please, if you don’t mind me asking this of you, but this quivering fear is not a bad thing when considering what she and I are extracting from each other. This is a form of manipulation of my mental faculties forcing me to considerer what she has in mind for me. Clever hints only make me dwell on the ideas she has planted in my minds eye and the expressions on my face as I ponder this brings great joy to my Mistress. This time I was told to enema and to expect something totally different than what I would expect normally. Well, to date this has been anal penetration via fisting or dildo’s and when someone tells you to expect something different your mind can’t help but wonder what a masochist would have in store for you. The evening started with us going to the Noble meeting with my dominant. I had noticed early that day that I was in a strange mood, which I believe was derived from having to deal with a board member of SSDC, who was upset that I left the SSDC Birthday party early. So my mood was dark and depressed upon me leaving the SSDC event, but this is the second time within thirty days so I have been seeing a very good friend of mine who is highly trained in dealing with the human condition. She has agreed to monitor me as I progress through my training and keep observations during my training under my Mistress.

Unfortunately, I told my Mistress that I was just feeling like being quite but that was only half the truth. I was feeling off, out of sorts, not in order, not quite right, chaotic, sullen, moody, dark, loathsome, a blanket of despair had covered my soul and I was struggling to pull the sheet away. We left the meeting and made our way over to my Mistress’s dungeon and she was ready to play, but first I had to vacuum the floor and do a bit of cleaning. I was hoping my mood would have brightened up a bit as we played, but that did not occur. My Mistress surprised me with wanting to play with needles and quickly hobbled me with restraints, which I really dug, and she began. The blindfold allowed me to concentrate on the sensations as she drove the needles into my flesh. The first needle brought a quick bite as the needle was pushed into my chest and threaded through and punctured my skin about an half inch away from the original point of entry. The pain was not that extreme and I believed I could take more and after a check on her submissive my Mistress continued her torture of me. The next few needles pierced my flesh each entry brought new sensations and pain to my body. I can not say it was pleasurable because it was not, yet it was very intriguing how my mind was accepting the pain. I wish my mood had been different so I could have explored the sensations, but I was distracted. I felt really bad, because my mood was sucking the energy out of the play and I know my Mistress could feel that. Overall, the experience of needle play was very fascinating and something I would recommend any submissive who can deal with needles try at least once. Coming up soon is my Mistresses lecture on CBT and I will be a demo for her to demonstrate her techniques. She has mentioned more than once about wanting to stretch my scrotum out on a corkboard. Then pin it down using needles which I guess should scare the living hell out of me, but it I now realize I am truly a fascinated by this and can’t wait to try it out. I can only imagine what else she has in store for me.

A thank you letter - First Encounter

2004-06-23T03:42:00.000-07:00

This is a copy of my first letter I sent to my Mistress after our first actual encounter. I will post a detailed description of what she did to me that night later this week, enjoy.

Ma’am,

I wanted to express my gratitude for you taking your time to explain the lifestyle to me.

I enjoyed our conversation very much and you answered all of my questions. I had an epiphany last night during our session and knew I had found something I had been searching for all my life. It is a wonderful feeling to experience voids in your life suddenly fill up and it brought a smile to my face the entire evening. The pain was exquisite and your skill brought me to a new level of consciousness that I had not had a chance to experience for a very long time. I wanted to go much further last night with you, but I am happy you held me back because the anticipation is wonderful and the tease of it is driving me crazy. This morning I looked in the mirror and admired your unique signature on my back that your single tail whip has left on my supple flesh. My upper back was still red and sensitive with small red stripes across it. They are tantalizingly sensitive to touch. Near the middle of my back along the spin I could see your handy work with your whip was still present and the small red whelps were very beautiful, yet painful. These marks upon my body I enjoy having for I received much pleasure from them and even now I feel them while I write this letter.

Update to the list:

2004-06-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

The HOUSE KEEPING listing has recently taken on a new level of meaning for me. It started with me helping to clean at the bdsm club and to my surprise several individuals (I am an exhibitionist after all) loved the fact that I had these great pink rubber cleaning gloves on...**STRETCH---SNAP** So now I want to combine this with a really cool outfit for the next cleaning day... Hopefully, my Dominant will suggest what I should wear... Do you have any suggestions?

The LIST

2004-06-19T13:15:00.000-07:00

As with any BDSM experience your Dominant may ask you what you like and what your hard limits are... A hard limit is something you do not want to experience at all. They will also setup safe words for you to use to stop or slow down play. Mine are yellow for easy does it and red for stop the scene and let me down, this play is over.

To help the Dominant understand your desires, a list is often asked for and it is a great idea to fill it out. The list below is scaled 1 to 10. A ten indicates you really want to try this or that you love it and cannot get enough... If you have never played before then it means you are extremely interested in it. The Yes and No column means if you have ever done that before...

So here is my list:

ABRASION No, 5
ANAL BEADS No, 10
ANAL PLUGS (SMALL) Yes, 10
ANAL PLUGS (MED) Yes, 10
ANAL PLUGS (LARGE) No, 10 must be careful
ANAL TRAINING No, 8
ARM & LEG SLEEVES No, 7
AROMAS Yes, 10
BALL STRETCHING No, 8
BALL STRETCHING (WITH WEIGHTS) No, 7
BATHROOM CONTROL (INC. ASKING PERMISSION) No, 8
BLINDFOLDS Yes, 10
BEING BITTEN Yes, 5
BEING SCRATCHED Yes, 5
BELTS No, Not really sure what you do with this.. But 7 for now.
BREAST/CHEST BONDAGE No, 7
BODY MODIFICATION No, 9
BOOT WORSHIP No, 6 perhaps 8 depends…
BONDAGE (LIGHT) Yes, 10
BONDAGE (HEAVY) No, 8 perhaps 10 once I experience it some.
BONDAGE (PUBLIC...UNDER CLOTHING) No, 10.
BREATH PLAY No, 10.
CAGES (LOCKED INSIDE OF) No, 10
CANES No, not sure what this is??
CASTRATION FANTASY No, hummmmm 7
CHAINS No, 10.
CHASTITY BELTS No, 10
CHAUFFEURING No, 5
CHORES (DOMESTIC SERVICE) No, 5
CLOTHESPINS No, never really considered this.. 6
COCK AND BALL TORTURE No, 8
COCK RINGS/STRAPS No, 10
COCK CAGE No, 10
COLLARS (WORN IN PRIVATE) No, 10
COLLARS (WORN IN PUBLIC) No, depends 8
COMPETITIONS (WITH OTHER SUBS) No, 8
CROPS ___ ___
CUFFS (LEATHER) No, 10
CUFFS (METAL) No, 10
DILDOS Yes, 10
DOUBLE PENETRATION No, 10
ELECTRICITY (VIOLET WAND ... TENS) No, 9
ENEMAS (FOR CLEANSING) Yes, 9
ENEMAS (RETENTION/PUNISHMENT) No, 10
ENFORCED CHASTITY No, 10 as a game, not a lifestyle
EROTIC DANCE (FOR AUDIENCE) No, 10
EXAMINATIONS (PHYSICAL) No, 9
EXERCISE (FORCED/REQUIRED) No, 10
EXHIBITIONISM (STRANGERS) No, 10
EYE CONTACT RESTRICTIONS No, 10
FACE SLAPPING No, 7
FANTASY ABANDOMENT No, 5
FANTASY RAPE No, 10.. Will it be rough? How sadistic? 10
FEAR (BEING SCARED) No, 5
FEMINIZATION No, 10.. please .. hehe
FLOGGERS No, 8 depends on the pain level
FOLLOWING ORDERS No, 10 punish me if I don’t…
FOOT FETISH/WORSHIP No, 7
FORCED FEMINIZATION No, 10
FORCED HOMOSEXUALITY No, 10 ( I have already slept with a guy, but would love to be made to have sex with others perhaps a group.. Safe sex required.)
FORCED MASTURBATION No, 10
FORCED NUDITY (PRIVATE) No, 10.
FORCED NUDITY (AROUND OTHERS) No, 10
GAGS (BALL) No, 10
GAGS (CLOTH) No, must have never been used by anyone else.. 10
GAGS (PHALLIC) No, 10
GAGS (RUBBER BIT) No,10
GAGS (TAPE) No, 10
GAS MASKS No, 10 Really want to try this.. Not sure why ….
GATES OF HELL No, 10 Oh god, ya….
GIVEN AWAY TO ANOTHER DOM (TEMP) No, 10, if that is what I am told to do.

HAIRBRUSH SPANKING No, 8
HAIR PULLING/TUGGING/GRIPPING No, 6
HAND SPANKING No, 10
HARNESSING (LEATHER) No, 10
HARNESSING (ROPE) No, 10 10 10.. hehe
HAVING FOOD CHOSEN FOR YOU No, 10
HOG TIE No, 10 very much want this outside…. Maybe with mosquitoes flying about.

OMAGE WITH TONGUE (NON SEXUAL LICKING) No, Not really sure what this is.. Will have to look it up on the internet.. 10 otherwise.
HOODS Yes, 10. Had the sales clerk at Second Skin put one on me and he made me follow him about.. Nice… loved it..
HOT OILS (ON GENITALS/NIPPLES) No, 10
HOT WAXING No, 10 I guess I don’t need that hair after all…
HOUSEWORK (DOING) No, 5 I will do it if told. I guess I have to earn my keep somehow..
HUMBLER No, not sure what this is.
HUMILIATION (EXTREME/PRIVATE) No, 4
HUMILIATION (EXTREME/PUBLIC) No, 4
HUMILIATION (MILD/PRIVATE) No, 6
HUMILIATION (MILD/PUBLIC) No, 5
ICE No, 10
INCLUDING OTHERS IN PLAY No, 10
IMMOBILIZATION No, 10… Body bag please
INITATION RITES No, 10
INTERROGATIONS No, 10 Easy does it at first.
KIDNAPPING No, 10 Not at first.. .
KNEELING No,10.. Not for long periods of time..
KNIFE PLAY No, 0 Hard Limit.
LEATHER CLOTHING No, 10
LEATHER RESTRAINTS No,10
LEATHER PADDLES No, 10
LECTURES FOR MISBEHAVIOR No, 6
LINGERIE (WEARING) No, 10.. I know it is strange, but I like it.
MANACLES No, 10
MANICURES (GIVING) No, 7 You might regret it.. lol
MASSAGE (GIVING) Yes, 10.. Love this
MEDICAL SCENES No, 10
NAME CHANGE FOR SCENE No, 5 I don’t think it would do much for me, but I can see how it would be fun.

NEEDLE PLAY (LIGHT) No, 7 scare
NEEDLE PLAY (HEAVY) No, 7
NIPPLE CLAMPS Yes, 10.
NIPPLE PLAY/TORTURE No, 10 Well, I have had women bite me and such.
NIPPLE WEIGHTS No, 10 Would love to try this.
OVER THE KNEE SPANKING No, 10 I have been so bad..
ORGASM DENIAL No, 10.. I love this idea…
ORGASM CONTROL Yes, 10..
OUTDOOR SCENES No, 10 I did have sex during the rain on the pitchers mound at a college baseball stadium.. We got really muddy and looked like people painted in red dirt.. It was a blast…

PAIN (MILD) Yes, 10 Biting type of stuff.. Nipple play
PAIN (MED) No, 8 perhaps 10 once I know what a med level of pain is…
PAIN (SEVERE) No, 5 only if my master really wants it and it gives them pleasure.

PERSONAL TRAINING (IN SCENE) No,10

PHONE (SERVING DOM) No, 10
PHONE (SERVING DOM'S FRIENDS) No, 7
PONY TRAINING No, 8
PRISON SCENES No, 10
PROSTITUTION (PUBLIC PRETENSE) No, 10
PROTOCOL TRAINING No, 10
PUBLIC EXPOSURE No, 10 only if others in public want that.. Otherwise I respect others to much to do that to them.

PUNISHMENT SCENE No, 10
PUPPY TRAINING No, 10
QUIRTS No idea what this is???
RIDING THE HORSE (CROTCH TORTURE) No, 10
RITUALS No, 10
RUBBER/LATEX CLOTHING Yes, 10 more please. All I own is a pair of rubber shorts.. Love’em, but I need more toys like this…

ROPE BODY HARNESS No, 10
SCARIFICATION No, 0
SENSORY DEPRIVATION No, 10. Once again the body bag. We will have to save enough money up to purchase one of these to play around with.

SERVING No, 10 Again, I must earn my keep.. ;)
SERVING AS ASHTRAY No, 5 I don’t smoke
SERVING AS FURNITURE No, 10
SERVING AS MAID No, 10 Can I wear an cute outfit.. hehe
SERVING OTHER DOMS (SUPERVISED) No, 7
SERVING OTHER DOMS (UNSUPERVISED) No, 5 Only if trusted
SEXUAL DEPRIVATION (SHORT TERM) No,k 10
SEXUAL DEPRIVATION (LONG TERM) No, 10 (depends on what you think long term is)
SHAMBOK
SHAVING (GENITAL) Yes, 10… Very fun stuff.
SHAVING (FULL BODY) Yes, 10.. I like the hair on my head..
SHOE WORSHIP No, 8 will do if my master likes it.
SLUTTY CLOTHING (PRIVATE) No, 10 Please…
SLUTTY CLOTHING (PUBLIC) No, 10.. Depends on the location and style of clothing

SPEECH RESTRICTIONS No, 7
SPECULUMS (ANAL) No, 10. .I love anal play.. Just be careful not to hurt or damage-fisting-easy does it please.

SPREADER BARS No, 10 10 10 .. I have wanted this for so long
STANDING IN CORNER No, 7 perhaps 10 if I am tied up or something else.

STOCKS No, 10 Can we also do this in a public setting with other DOM’s and Subs?

STRAP ON DILDOS (SUCKING ON) No, 10 If I can get it in my mouth.
STRAP ON DILDOS (PENETRATED BY) No, 10 This is very fun.
SUSPENSION (UPRIGHT) No, 10 Ya, and I would love to be taken advantage of by others and my Dom

SUSPENSION (UPSIDE DOWN) No, 10 Ya, and I would love to be taken advantage of by others and my Dom

TAMPON TRAINING No, 10.. I just have to experience this just to see how a man can be trained with TAMPONS… hehe

TEASING No, 10… Life is a tease.
THUMBCUFFS (METAL) No, 10
TICKLING No, 10
URETHRAL SOUNDS (METAL RODS) No, Not sure what this is.
VAGINAL TORTURE (females only) NA
VERBAL HUMILIATION NO, 7
VIBRATOR No, 10 the stronger and faster the better.. Have you ever been to fucking machines.com. Those machines would be fun to be strapped to…

VIPER'S TONGUE No, 8
VOYEURISM (WATCHING OTHERS) No, 10 Not in real life.. Television , ya.. but I don’t consider that true Voyeurism.

WATER TORTURE No, 10.. Nothing to do with breathing at first.
WEARING SYMBOLIC JEWELRY No, 10
WHIPPING (SINGLE TAIL) No, 8 -- 10 perhaps once I get use to the pain.

WOODEN PADDLES No, 8 -- 10 perhaps once I get use to the pain.

ZIPPERS No, 10..

PART TWO

(ANSWER ALL QUESTIONS FULLY INCLUDING YES OR NO QUESTIONS)

DATE May 20, 2004

FIRST OR SCENE NAME I don’t have a play name yet... I need suggestions

MARRIED, SINGLE, SIGNIFICANT OTHER: Divorced

NOVICE, SOMEWHAT EXPERIENCED, VERY EXPERIENCED: Novice and excited

MARKING ... CHOOSE ONE ... (NO MARKS, LIGHT MARKS THAT FADE QUICKLY ...
HEAVIER MARKS THAT FADE IN A FEW DAYS OR HEAVY MARKING): Light Marks that fade quickly… Perhaps heavier after I learn a bit more. No marks on the face.

AGE 35

WEIGHT: 228

HEIGHT; 6’0”

SEXUALITY (STRAIGHT, BI, GAY) BI

ARE YOU PIERCED, IF SO WHERE AND HOW OLD IS THE PIERCING: NO

ANY BREATHING PROBLEMS (ASTHAMA, SINUS, ETC). IF THE ANSWER IS YES, SPECIFY PROBLEM. None

ANY HISTORY OF CONVULSIONS: No

DO YOU PRACTICE SAFE SEX: Yes… no option here.

STD (sexually transmitted disease) STATUS: None

DATE OF LAST HIV TEST: 2 months ago with regular doctor visit every three months.

ANY PHOBIAS (IF SO, LIST THEM): None

DO YOU HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE: No

DO YOU HAVE LOW BLOOD PRESSURE: No

HEART PROBLEMS: No

DIABETES: No

HEMOPHILIA: No

ALLERGIES, IF YES, SPECIFY: Just to nature…

CURRENTLY TAKING ANY MEDICATIONS (IF SO, LIST THEM): No

BACK PROBLEMS: No

KNEE PROBLEMS: No

WRIST PROBLEMS: No

ANKLE PROBLEMS: No, but my left ankle was hurt a long time ago, but does not cause any problems.

OLD INJURIES? LIST THEM: A small scar on my left leg near my knee.

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS: No

DO YOU WEAR GLASSES? IF SO HOW WELL ARE YOU ABLE TO SEE WITHOUT THEM.: No

NO DRINKING OR TAKING DRUGS (unless prescribed by your DR.) before sessioning
or while you are in My Dungeon. NO EXCEPTIONS.

ANY ADDITIONAL INFORMATION THAT HAS NOT BEEN COVERED WHICH YOU WOULD CARE TO
PROVIDE

One of my biggest kinks is clothing and CBT. I just loving taking clothing of either sex and doing wild and crazy outfits with it. When my Dominant plays this up with me I am one happy cookie...

To my good friends and fellow Kinksters.. Here is my new blog

2004-06-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

To my good friends and fellow Kinksters.. Here is my new blog...

My First Post

2003-09-07T06:38:00.000-07:00

With out a doubt, I am really getting bored of my job. Perhaps not the job, but most of the people I work with, expect a couple of unique personalities I really like and enjoy P:1 , P:2.
Something I realized during the last weekend is that my social skills with strangers could really use a bit of improvement. This realization came about when a good friend [Stiletto] invited me out with her friends this Friday and I was to meet them at a bar called Lucy's Retired Surfers Restraunt & Bar.
As I was waiting, I began looking around the room viewing some of the most attractive people I have seen in sometime and I really did feel out of place at this bar. This feeling came quite quick and "made" me order an Abita, so I would have something to hold onto. This behavior is one of those weird Sigmund Freud things... I decided to watch baseball on the big screen will waiting on my friends to show up.
Baseball is one of the worst sports to watch on television, who in hell can stand to watch that game on TV? It takes forever and nothing really happens. Hell, I would rather watch golf, which is the second worst sport to watch on TV.
Anyway, while waiting I just could not get myself to approach anyone and strike up a conversation, even though several people did return my glance at them with a smile. Which, if you believe all the crap we read about flirting and "how to attract someone you like", would indicate that they wanted to interact at some level , but with my bad mental image of my body at this time, I just could not find the confidence to speak to them. After three Abita’s, I really began to feel great (all I had to eat was a small chicken Caesar salad @ lunch time) and was ready to hit New Orleans. Eventually, Stiletto arrived and she had two gorgeous friends with her, who were very nice and flirty. Everyone was ready to head out into the night and see what New Orleans had in store for us. We began our journey by going to a great little bar that I just can not remember the name of... Now let me get to the point, during the evening as the girls talked and such, I decided I should take it easy and not try to interject my opinions and such into the conversation, since I was invited and I did not really know any of the ladies in the group. Have you ever gone out with someone and felt like it was a privilege? Well, that is how I felt, I really did want to get involved just because of the amount of excitement & sexual energy they all exuded.
That is when one of the young ladies mentioned something about someone she had once dated and that he was frigid... I began to wonder if I was frigid... I would like to think that I am not and that I am somewhat funny and I know I like to have a great time, but it does take me a bit to relax and enjoy myself… One of my friends has a theory about that, he believes that I am attracted to people who are like that because I am desperately looking to have fun. Currently, my marriage has lost that something special and it has been declining over the past year. She and I really had a great time in college, but time has worn on and now it seems I can never get her to go out to party for fun. One time she was going out and I was working, she asked me to come out and meet them once I got off of work. I did, when I got to the bar I began looking for her and noticed that she was laughing and having a great time. I was really excited because she looks really sexy when she is happy. But when I walked up, she became very conservative. Now for us to go out, it has to be a special occasion, going out for dinner, catching a movie or bla bla bla… For god's sake, that is just getting old and I am getting old and would just like to have some fun. Hell, in the end we all die and I want to really experience a bit more of life besides going to movies and restaurants.
I told Stiletto and The Ethical Slut, about a month ago, that my relationship with my wife is just drying up like a leaf after the first hard freeze and that I really don't feel like dealing with this much more. The emotions I have running through me right now are very confusing. On one side, I want to try and work things out, but on the other side I hear this voice screaming at me to cut and run. I don’t want to hurt my wife's feelings, but I know that is unavoidable. What pains me the most is that I still love and care for her, but that love is slowly becoming less.
I am afraid that the past few years have hardened my heart so much that I am finding it hard to feel much anymore. First my mother died from alcoholism and then my oldest sister died too. I did mourn at my mothers funeral, but something in me just did not feel right. Even today, I am not sure what happened to me on that day, but I feel like I turned something off inside of me to protect myself from such hurt again and that sucks. That is why the whole frigid thing concerns me!
Enough for now.

Creating a blog is kind of scary

2003-09-03T06:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I have updated my obiter dictum section with a list of 100 things about me or my thoughts... Well, I don't quite have 100 things yet but the list is growing...
Creating a blog is kind of scary. We are raised to keep our lives private and to ourselves, which is exactly the opposite of what this entire endeavor is about. I began making my 100 list of items and decided, after much consideration, that I would post just about anything on it and not try to hide behind a false image. This in itself is scary because people I know will look at it and might freak out, but it should be fun to watch… I also peppered the list with a few controversial items to get reactions and comments.
I have added a few sites off to the right. Here is the quick list:
Sassy Pants Sara (Sassy) has no tag line for her site, but it is a nice read.
Stiletto Philosophy Working my way to the top, four inches at a time.
The Ethical Slut Uninhibited Unashamed Unaplogetic
CheddarX A Higher Ground version of a regular (or semi regular) set of questions that grow, change, evolve and become something altogether new.
Heaven's Vixen The Perfect Combination fo Heaven and a Bitch.
Gargoyles Clothing Well, I really like this store. If I lose another 100 lbs, I just might be able to wear some of their stuff...
Later...

With out a doubt, I

2003-09-01T06:35:00.000-07:00